I have always gotten along well with my adult children, now in their forties. I really like being able to speak with each of them once a week for a few minutes. My daughters are so very busy with careers and several children that we often do not talk for several weeks. I am told not to call them at work or during meals or bedtime hours and they ask me to call them during their “drive-time”. Their weekends are full with games and social activities.I am feeling left out and as if I am begging for connection. What is realistic to stay in touch?

Staying connected to family in meaningful ways is a challenge shared by all generations. It begins when our teens move toward independence, and it is heightened when our adult children begin a life of their own. I'm guessing that your family lives a distance away, which means that connection requires creativity as well as cooperation.

It sounds like a connection plan was created by your daughters, but your needs were not fully considered. When that happens, it's natural to feel resentful and left out. I imagine that after several calls that seemed inconvenient, your children announced the "car connection solution" and you were not part of the problem solving. Now it's time to have another conversation, one in which you are willing to be clear about what works for you while expressing empathy for your children's needs.

Imagine saying to your daughter, "Talking with you when you are driving to work feels rushed and unsatisfying to me. I just don't feel that it allows me to stay connected with you and the kids. I'd like to set a time when we can discuss this and find something that works for both of us." Be clear about what works for you and listen sincerely to her needs. I recommend that you find a practice buddy before the conversation, so that you can filter out anything that sounds like criticism and anticipate some of your daughter's concerns.

Perhaps the car-talk can be part of the solution, supplemented by periodic longer chats. With their demanding lives, your daughters might appreciate an invitation for a weekend getaway. Embrace technology to improve communications: email, text messaging, or even a web camera on the computer, which your grandchildren may find fun. And speaking of the next generation, it seems that you would like better communication with the grandkids as well. Depending on their ages, you could create audio digital tapes and send return envelopes (like Net Flicks), include stickers or an ongoing game of questions and answers to invite a response. Schedule some face-time with them around special events in their lives, offer to care for them when your children travel, take them on trips if they are old enough. The way to your children may be through your grandchildren.

In the end, keep trying. A pattern of a regular communication will bear results. Avoid thinking that the frequency of communication is somehow a litmus test for their love. Focus on quality and know that your mutual love and affection for each other extends way beyond phone lines.

One of my closest friends is struggling with a very serious disease and she is in and out of the hospital frequently. Can you share some ground rules regarding how I can be a good friend? I feel so helpless. I want to be there and yet I do not want to impose on her or her family.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who cares about how to be most helpful at a challenging time. Your concerns are echoed by others who want to support each other in times of illness and sadness.

Begin by asking yourself what you would want if you were the one who was ill. Take the time to write a list of all the things you think would be useful and caring, and other things that would be less so. Think of the list in two parts: emotional and physical support.

On the emotional side, you'll want to determine if your friend wants to talk about the details of her illness, and allow her to share her worries and concerns. Often friends who are trying to be reassuring miss the opportunity to just listen empathetically. A good friend will make space for just listening without feeling the need to comfort. And if it is clear that your friend does not want company, then a regular pattern of communication such as cards, seeds in flower pots that grow, voice messages, emails and the like, are always appreciated and will let your friend know you are holding her closely, even from a distance.

On the physical side, the list is often much longer and may require the cooperation of her family. Preparing meals, cleaning, errands, carpools, gardening, snow shoveling, the list goes on and on. Because you have your list in your mind, you can offer some suggestions. If they do not work now, they may work later. Making specific suggestions is much more useful then saying, "Call me if you need anything." (This rarely happens.)

And finally, sometimes friends gather around in the first moments of a health challenge and then fade away. Be prepared to offer your support and caring on a schedule that you can sustain. Your friend will appreciate your consistency and be grateful that you were there for the long run.